8 months ago

8 months ago, I was holding my sweet baby Kate and lamenting the fact that my maternity leave was nearing its end.  I found that I was having to remind myself daily to enjoy the time I had left, rather than let it get me down.  I wasn't working my dream job, but I was able to do it from home.  This arrangement allowed for me to keep my babies at home with me, which is all I wanted in the first place.

Sounds like an ideal set up.  But it was too much.

There were days when it was just Eli and me, where I would think, "Ok, I can handle this..." and then the other 75% of the time I was on the verge of a breakdown.  Shutting a crying Eli in his room so I could dial in for a meeting - which I was incapable of actually focusing on - was torture.  Working until 4am, only to wake up at 7, three hours later, to start the day... that happened regularly.

Let's just say it wasn't pretty most of the time.  Nor was my hair, but that's not super surprising.  ;)

My job was too demanding.  While I was generally allowed to "catch up" during the evenings, there was the large chunk of work that had to be performed during the day.  And, specifically, during those precious "awake" hours.

After Kate was born, I was blessed to be able to take 3 months off work.  After that time was up, I jumped back into a full load.  Systems had changed, processes had changed, leadership had changed... enough had changed that it required a lot more effort to be as productive in the same amount of time a process had required pre-Kate.  Two babies at home and more time required spent working to accomplish simple tasks, yep... I was headed toward a mental breakdown.

Fortunately, I have a husband that is willing to test his own limits in an effort to keep the peace (read: silence the nagging).  :)  Bill and I were both uncertain about our ability to live on one income.  A lot of praying occurred during those months (let's be honest, I'd been praying since Eli's birth...) in hopes that God would show a way for me to stay home.  After a month back on the job, I submitted my resignation.  We hadn't found some magical way for this to work out, but we believed that God would provide.  We had been diligent to remain debt free (including our home) which made this scenario a lot more plausible.  Bill's income is irregular and never guaranteed.  As a result, we live very conservatively.  And, God has provided for us.  We continue to live within our means - no fancy cars or 'too-big' homes, though I'm not going to act like I don't occasionally dream of such things.  :)

Today, as I believe I am coming out of some mild post partum, I sit here basking in blessings.  It's raining for the first time in months.  Both of my babies are sleeping.  My house is clean enough for me to handle.  :)  I have gifts wrapped and under a tree that sparkles beautifully with lights - especially in the middle where Eli clustered all the (plastic, shiny) ornaments.  We are headed to a Christmas party tonight with our small group from church.  The Lord has blessed us immensely and I have made it my mission to be the best mommy I can be.  Don't misread "best" as meaning "perfect." I have fallen short of that goal over and over again - enough to come to the realization that perfection is absolutely NOT my goal.  Real, loving, gracious, compassionate - those are the traits I pray I can exhibit as I raise my little people.

I pray I live every day not as if it's my last.  I can't handle that sort of pressure.  But, I do pray that I spend my days loving every single person I encounter - and showing them Christ's love.

Romans 8:11
The Spirit of God, who raised Jesus from the dead, lives in you.  And just as God raised Christ Jesus from the dead, he will give life to your mortal bodies by this same Spirit living within you.

Love!